Sitting in bed, listening to a playlist of my favorite music, emailing a close friend about some of the struggles I’ve had with my faith recently. The song “A City on Our Knees” comes on by Toby Mac. The first line: “If you gotta start somewhere why not here?”
And immediately, I know. I have to start somewhere, and why not here? Tonight’s the night. So here’s the scoop. The main reason I haven’t been posting in, like, forever? Um, major struggles with faith, that would be why. I’d rather not get into the gritty details. Suffice it to say, I was asking questions I could not answer, questions that no one but God Himself can answer, and this side of heaven I don’t think He’s going to. Either my faith was pretty weak or God knew it was time for remodeling, because that was apparently all it took. Those questions just started eating away at my trust in God. The rest of the scoop is that they still are. You know, I read a lot of Christian fiction, and I’ve watched a lot of Christian movies, and there’s a common theme that--to be blunt--irritates me: the overnight fix. The revelation moment. That moment where everything changes, things become crystal clear, the character’s past struggles are erased. Why does that irritate me? Two reasons. 1- I’m a snob when it comes to books and movies because I write so I compare my abilities with those who wrote the book or screenplay and somehow decide I’m better, at least in such-and-such and so-and-so aspects. 2- It’s not real. It’s. Not. Real. I’m sorry to burst the bubble, but I’ve had a lot of bubbles bursting and it’s just a fact of life. That fact being that most problems, faith problems being no exception, do not fix in one moment. Perhaps they come to light in one moment. Or a solution light-bulbs into your mind in one moment. But unless I’m the only one who has long-lasting issues, the mending of whatever has been damaged, the escape from the confusion or doubt or pain, that will take time. So here’s what you know about me and my current circumstances: I’ve had major faith issues. I’ve still got major faith issues. I’m writing on a Christian blog like I’ve got a clue anyway. Lack of credentials, anyone? That’s just it, though. Gotta start somewhere. My “faith-issues”, as I’ve dubbed them, have not gone away but they have been a little less obnoxious as of late. The grass is looking a bit greener. So why didn’t I get back to posting sooner? Or why didn’t I post while I was in the middle of my faith-issues, and use them as a learning experience I could share with other Christians? I’ll tell you why. Because I wasn’t ready to start. I’ve read/heard about the concept of not waiting to start your new life for Christ, of starting now. Most of us probably have. I always thought it applied to, say, becoming a new believer. Perhaps someone who wanted to become a Christian but thought it would be better to wait and try to wipe away the dirt in their life with a dirty sleeve, like we all do. Or perhaps someone who’s already a Christian and decides they need to change some things about how they live, but, “maybe I’ll just deal with this little thing first”. That’s the type of situations I’ve always thought start now applied to. Turns out, the scope is a bit wider than that. Because here’s my situation. My faith was attacked and seriously hurt. It’s no longer receiving fresh wounds, and I’m sloppily applying some bandaids and coconut oil, but I’m not re-strengthening my faith. I’m not picking up the sword I dropped and fighting back. I’m still cowering. Waiting for the next attack. (Excuse the dramatic language, sometimes I just can’t help myself.) Why? Why would I willfully choose to cower? Well why does anyone cower? Because they’re scared. I’m scared that if I try to get back up, I’ll just get knocked down again. It’s happened before, after all. These faith-issues weren’t a weekend low, they’ve had residence for some months now. It’s not as if in all those months, I never tried to get back up. I did. . . and got knocked down, even harder than the last time. So here I cower. Because cowering isn’t so bad, right? I’m kinda comfortable right here. I’ve got a system going. I believe in God, I outwardly behave like ‘any good Christian’, I go to church, I fire up a few awkward prayers now and again. Me and God have come to an ‘understanding’, I inwardly claim. It’s really not so bad. Things are a lot easier when I’m cowering, rather than when I’m getting attacked, or when I’m sprawled on the ground. But, I probably don’t need to tell you that cowering isn’t okay. I can’t cower and accomplish anything. I can’t cower and stand up for God at the same time, now can I? That’s why I have to get up. That’s why, even though wounds are still fresh, there’s still enemies nearby who might attack at any moment, I have to start. I have to get up. They say if you fall off a horse, you just gotta get back on. Well, if you get knocked over in your faith, you just gotta get back up. As many times as it takes. Slight catch, though. “Getting back up” seems like another one of those quick-fixes. “Oh, you get knocked down? Well just get back up! Simple as that!” No, not simple as that. If it were simple I would have done it by now. I’m injured, I’m scared, I’ve lost a lot of my armor. Getting back up will be no easy task. It will take time. (Rather like getting out of bed) You might think that if I’m writing this post, I must be pretty close to standing up again, right? Nuh-uh. This post was literally a spur-of-the-moment urge. Who knows if I’ll build up the courage to actually read my Bible in the morning despite the possibility that I’ll encounter new questions I can’t answer. Who knows if one of my faith-legs will give out as soon as I put weight on it. I might be flat on my face again an hour from now. (Well actually, it’s getting to be late. Hopefully my face will be flat on the pillow an hour from now) I might not post again for another several months. Gotta start somewhere. That’s the raw reality. That yes, getting up will be hard, I might fail several times before I manage it. Yes, I might get knocked down again as soon as I get up. Yes, it’s easier to stay cowering. But if I’m going to get my faith back, I gotta start somewhere. I can’t wait until wounds heal, because they won’t, not while I’m cowering. All I can do is keep trying, keep striving toward the goal. After all, I may have lost my armor and my weapon. But the God of the universe is at my side and I hear He has spares.
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